


Yesterday

by barakitten



Category: My Chemical Romance
Genre: Song fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-09-14
Updated: 2015-10-14
Packaged: 2018-04-20 19:31:28
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 2
Words: 2,321
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4799576
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/barakitten/pseuds/barakitten
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>a kind of song fic to I Don't Love You and All I Want Is Nothing.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

_((Was reading youtube comments, got inspired. Sorry for the feels. They obviously don't have wives in this. Please leave feedback c:))_

A note.  
All I've been left with is a note. That bastard left me, left our home, left our love.

Gerard Arthur Way left me with one piece of slightly crumpled paper, crumpling my heart in the process.

Everything of his had been taken. From his clothes to his notebooks to his paints, right down to his fucking cigarettes. And I didn't even try to stop him.

_"Well, when you go,_  
_Don't ever think I'll make you try to stay."_

I don't know if he's coming back. If he ever will. If he'll come groveling back just to find me dating someone else, or married, or dead, or worse.

_"And maybe when you get back_  
_I'll be off to find another way."_

Even from when I met him, when he asked me to join his stupid band, I've never truly understood that man. To the end of Danger Days, to the breakup paragraph, to his silly obsession with my skeleton gloves. He made me wear those damn things every time we went on stage, Revenge outfits, completely dressed and make up done. Those gloves always had to be encasing my hands or he would throw a fit. And then the periods where he completely convinced himself that he wasn't good enough for me, that I should leave while I still have the chance.  
I still don't understand him, and I'll never be able to now.

_"And after all this time that you still owe,_  
_You're still a good-for-nothing I don't know,_  
_So take your gloves and get out,_  
_Better get out_  
_While you can."_

I mean, Gerard was a weird one, that's for sure. From licking his hands every night on stage to spontaneously making out with me as some, "stage gay," he was always the weirdest. The first time admitting he loved me he was hanging half way out of his bunk, mumbling to himself. We had all gotten use to it, but I was brought out of my caffeine induced stupor to him saying those three words while doing the stupid mustache thing.

And then the nights on Warped when he would almost bleed to death without meaning to. When he would take whatever was set in front of him. We were all worried fucking sick. We all got drunk, sure; but not to the point where our pants would fall down on stage, or where we would call our manager telling him we wanted to die. The Dark Times. The times he would cry; would sob, just begging for his life to end.

_"Sometimes I cry so hard from pleading_  
_So sick and tired of the needless beating_  
_But baby when they knock you down and out,_  
_It's where you oughta stay."_

But pushing through it got all of us to a better place, even if it sometimes brought us down again occasionally. I mean, that's one reason why we had to end the band. It was destroying us all from the inside out.

Fights, relapse, addiction, self deprecating thoughts. We were all worried for each other, but we couldn't help ourselves. We were rotting, rotting far too early. All of the killjoys were depending on us, we had to try to push through for them. But in the end, it couldn't be done.  
So we ended it, but I never would have imagined that I would lose both My Chemical Romance and Gerard Way in the same month. That's not enough time. I can't go from one tragic passing to another catastrophe.

_"And after all the blood that you still owe,_  
_Another dollar's just another blow_  
_So fix your eyes and get up_  
_Better get up,_  
_While you can."_

Gerard could be the most down to earth, selfless, amazing person I would ever come to know. But other times he could be such a selfish, horrible creature. We were leaning on each other from the time we decided a break up would be best. Maybe not for the fans, or the management, or the music, but for us as people. We were all feeling something special. We were feeling The End.

But then I lost my rock. I lost the one person I was depending on to get through all this shit. He was keeping me grounded, and in turn I would do the same. The band and him were the only things keeping me happy. He knew that. I had told him that. I had told him that last week.

Last fucking week, right down to the second I walked through the door to find all of his possessions gone from my presence, and this stupid rectangle of paper folded up neatly on top of the counter, with my name in his scribbled hand writing on the front. He was my source of happiness since that paragraph was posted, since our outfits were put away, since his hair was dyed to yet another color; this time bright orange. That color had just walked through the door, and out of my life.

So, here I am, sat on the tile floor of ~~our~~  my kitchen, staring at the imperfect scrawl upon the white material.

So many emotions, so many fucking emotions.  
Tears, Pansy laying at my side. Just one day in the studio was all it took for him to pack up everything he's ever owned and leave me behind. Leave me to fend for myself. To drown in my emotions and lyrics and guitar notes.

Angry tears, the note picked up from the ground. I want to shred it to pieces, just like he did to my heart. I want to so fucking bad. Those last words should mean nothing to me.  
But they do.

I need to see those last words. I need to read them to survive. That messy handwriting is keeping me on the edge of sanity, and I fucking hate it.  
I need to know.

Opening it, there's three neatly written lines in the middle of the paper; like they meant the world to him and he spent hours writing them.

_**"I don't love you** _  
_**Like I loved you** _  
_**Yesterday."** _


	2. All I Want Is Nothing

(THIS ENDED UP BEING COMPLETELY DIFFERENT FROM THE LAST CHAPTER OOPS. I GOT SO EMOTIONAL WRITING THIS BC MY MIND JUST KIND OF RAN WILD. ENJOY.)   


**I think back to the heart attack**   
**When our world seemed so brand new,  
** **I wasted time with a crooked spine  
** **When I really should have spent it with you.**

_"Hey baby," arms wrap around my middle from behind, Gerard's unkempt hair tickling the side of my face._   
_"You need to wash your hair again Gee. I think the next venue has a shower, you should use it," I giggle, shoving his face away from mine. Warped '05 is in full swing and Three Cheers has been out for a little over a year, our success slowly growing._   
_"M'kay, I'll shower. Buuuut, only if you grab a couple beers and come watch out the back lounge window with me. Watch our lives move by at 70 miles an hour. I might even make out with you, but only if you're nice," his chest rumbles with a silent laugh, his breath fanning over my shoulder._   
_"I can't right now, sugar. I have to go write, Ray and I are trying to figure out most of the bridges for the record. Maybe I can next time."_   
_"Frankieee," he removes his hands from my waist, gently swiping them over my hips and up to my ribs, mapping out every part of me silently. "C'mon, please. I wan't to spend some time with you."_   
_"I'm sorry, Gee." I sigh out._

**All I want is nothing,**   
**Cause all I want is what I can't have,**   
**All I want is nothing,**   
**If I can't have just one more second of your undivided attention.**

_"Frank. Frankie. Frank-butt. Pay attention to meeeee," I groan, reaching my tired arm out of my bunk blindly, trying to hit the mass of emo disturbing my sleep. My eyes inch open as I feel breath on my face, smiling softly when Gerard comes into view._   
_"Hey," the word is whispered, falling from my lips into the silent air. "It's s' quiet, where is everyone?"_   
_"They're in McDonald's, come on." He gestures for me to come out with him, and I grab his waving hand, holding it tightly._   
_"_ _**All I want is you**._ _" I look him in the eyes, smiling softly. He needs the reassurance sometimes, and I'm happy to provide._

**All I have now are memories**   
**Of how you felt lying next to me**   
**All we are is a memory**

I roll over, softly touching her arm to reassure myself that she's there. She's here next to me, my children in the next room, and my heart somewhere in Russia where he is probably stirring his coffee and deciding on his set list. I can't help myself from thinking of how he would be warmer lain here, he would be softly snoring and his nose would scrunch up occasionally. I've denied myself the torture of thinking these things for a long time, and writing this song has brought everything back. He used to be the one to help me through my song slumps, he used to make me stop playing guitar before my fingers would bleed, and he would sit down with me mostly in his lap while singing to me and  _fuck_ , I've been married and complacent for far too long to start thinking these things again.

**I used to have a best friend,**   
**Now just one more enemy.**   
**And all I want is nothing,**

_There was static between our four way Skype call, Gerard's hair a fading shade of red and everyone's eyes tired. Two months earlier we had the same video chat, discussing MCR5 and deciding to put it out there in an interview. Today though, today was different._  
 _"I'm so sorry guys. I love the band more than anything else in my life, but I think we all need this," a sigh escapes Gerard's mouth as he lowers his head down into his arms, the rest of us sitting silently. Everything each of us wants to say can't get past our lips, we don't want to spin more webs of broken promises and stupid reassuring sentences that will never work._  
 _"What do you mean, exactly? Gee, come on. We all love My Chem._ You _love My Chem so much," the soft voice drifted through my screen, Mikey looking concerned._  
 _"_ _I think we should end the band," He brings his head up to face us, "For good. Maybe if we want to start it up again in a few years, we could do that. But none of us are doing good right now. We're all married, Frank and I both have kids, Mikey; you and I both need to go through some shit, and my own daughter thinks of me as more of a roommate than a father. We could do our solo projects we've been talking about. You should work on Death Spells, Frank. Ray, you've been talking about doing your own vocals. We could form again when we're ready, and if we never are, then so be it. We have 12 years worth of music, and it's not like we're stopping music completely. I don't think any of us would ever do that."_  
 _S_ _ilence._  
I  _clench my jaw, grimacing."Wh_ _at the fuck Gerard?"_  
 _"_ _Frank, come on, think about-"_  
 _"No, what the actual fuck? This band is the most amazing thing I've ever been apart of, this band is my life. We can't just disappoint all of these people waiting for a record we promised was coming. We cannot do that to everyone that matters to us."  
_ _Gerard opens his mouth, thinking through what comes from his mouth, "We can just release Conventional Weapons unofficially, and we can tell everyone in March or-"  
_ _"I don't want to just release something unofficially and then end it! I've put so much shit into this band, we can't just end it randomly and out of the blue. We've all gone through so much and we've grown up together for 12 fucking years, we're brothers and I'm going to be so fucking lost if I lose what all of us have together. Death Spells can end, all of my other side projects can end at any point, but we promised that this band would be here as long as all of us believe in it. I can't believe that you lost the inspiration you had twelve years ago when you saw those people falling from the sky and decided you wanted to change things. Have you really stopped believing?" My voice broke as I covered my webcam with some tape that was sitting next to me, glancing at the three expressions through my watery eyes.  
_ _"I never stopped believing. I just started believing in something different."  
_ _That's when I shut my laptop._

**Cause all I want is what I can't have**   
**All I want is nothing**   
**If I can't have just one more second of a time**   
**When I was yours and you were mine**   
**And all I want is everything we never had before.**

_"What do you want from me? You ended the band Gerard, you can't just show up unannounced to my house asking for forgiveness."_   
_"_ _I can though, and I just did. I'm sorry, but I don't regret ending it. I just regret losing you." I scowl, trying to unsuccessfully push him out of my opened front door yet again. "What do you want, Frank? We're all still here for you, you can't just push us away. We love you."_   
_"_ _**I still want more**._ _"_

**All I want is you  
** **All I want is you, to want me  
** **All I want is you.**

 


End file.
